i guess i was doing well lately, its funny how you really never notice yourself doing well until you crash lol.

my brain just, feels slow lately, ive been rotting again, i just sit and stare at the computer sometimes, doomscroll, my brains just turning off, its on fumes.

it always comes back to family doesnt it lol, i havent been sleeping the best lately, my brothers been deciding i need to wake up early for like? dumb shit, like to watch tv, or move the pool cover, yknow, dumbshit, why did we have to do that stuff so early in the morning?????? no reason.

so yeah, sleeps fucked, thats probably why my brain isnt working lol.

oh twitch! thats been going well! this months been a lot, been averaging 8 viewers at any given time, i know its not much compared to like, big streamers, but its like, a whole community, im still not sure how to deal with it but im having fun with it.

in my dreams i guess, like its not going to happen, but in my dreams someday i wish to grow a community big enough to where i can live properly.

theres still this nagging feeling in my brain that life just, isnt possible for someone like me.

i feel like ive lost life often lol. i feel trapped at times still, yknow, being home, without a job, or car, or like, anything people view as like, a "adult" milestone for lack of a better word.

hard to do anything here without money, and hard to make money without a car or job experience, or education for that matter, doesnt even feel worth trying if im being honest.

oh lastly! my body lol, my hands after stream have been feeling *rough*, my right wrist locked up for a few minutes last night, couldnt move it, and my fingers sometimes just hurt, like within the bone?, though ive been streaming daily lately, and ive been on the computer using a mouse all day, so i figure i just need to let myself rest a bit more.

(oh authors note, i normally dont include dates to this diary but the timing is funny to me lol, this diary entry was written in early may 2023, in early june 2023 id injure both my hands and have to rest them for months because of the injury, and its really funny looking back and being like depths!!! you were aware you needed rest in early may!!! why didnt you rest!!!!! at all!!!!)