This feeling of just, being incompatible with society,

im not mad at it but just, it's exhausting.

there are days i feel like just sustaining myself is too much to handle.

from the way my sleep schedule doesn't work in a 24 hour cycle, and is more like a 25-26 hour cycle naturally, and how that means i cant get enough sleep if i have to do anything outside, because american society decided things should only be open from 10am-5pm.

to the way i can't go anywhere in the first place as i can't drive.

and then the fact there's only one apartment *room* available even remotely in my budget in my area.

american society as a whole just, isn't built for people like me. it feels impossible to be apart of it.

i like to believe humans are social creatures, and i have to wonder the toll that it takes on me not being apart of society.

and then theres the whole aspect of being kinda trapped at home knowing i cant leave without a car.

i believe you can turn even the best of places into a sort of prison with enough time there and if you remind the prisoners of there lack of choice to be there.

And then here's the fun part. im the lucky one. im the privileged one. i *have* a safety net to lay on, and i *have* the option to stay in the prison without fear of losing my life. im safe. im comfortable.

for most americans like me, the only choice is to work yourself to death in order to survive.

i think about how long the average life expectancy is for neurodivergent people like me sometimes. its 35-50.

and theres a sense of comfort almost. a fucked up, morbid sense of comfort.

i'm 18 writing this that means theres a fair chance im half way to the average age of death for someone like me when you also factor in my health history.

it's not that i want to die. honestly im pretty content with life right now, things are going well and im in a good mood most the time. but it really does give me comfort knowing ive made it half way through this life, most of its been hell and im still here, so whats another half, the outlook is good, and it cant be worse than the first half.