Hi! its august now, been like two months, sorry for the lack of updates, my hands are stillll recoveringgg,,

my right hand is basically back to normal as long as i dont use it much, its also a lot weaker than it was before, it cramps if i push it at all, though i was able to stream silent hill 3 last night! and it didnt cramp!

then my left hand is still rough, its able to stream a couple times a week? but its def worse than my right hand, if i carry my phone at all my hand dies for like a week, so thats fun.

its been interesting though, because of my injury i havent been using my phone or doomscrolling online, it feels nice i guess, i feel more at peace, but im realizing how much time i waste during the day, always fun to learn how little you actually do throughout the day lmao.

though its been nearly 2 months since my injury.

i feel like i lost my summer,

the amount of people who have came up to me and asked if im alright since i no longer leave the house much at all, its weird, ive truly become a rotting body.

i feel old. i listen to music i think is still new and it'll be 4 years old. time just keeps going and ive stepped off the life train.

my family's so nice to me, im a loser, yet im still able to live here, and no one complains.

theres this thought in the back of my brain that someday im gonna lose everything, probably for the best, maybe itll make me actually live a life, but it scares me.

i feel myself becoming that person who gets there first job at like 27, and never goes anywhere.

though what does it even mean to go somewhere? has a successful business man actually made a life for himself sitting in meetings all day? thats not what i want.

i guess "success" doesnt really matter, or exist. as long as im happy and not hurting others.

though am i even happy like this?

i describe myself as a rotting body, that doesnt sound very happy.

though that goes back to the hand injuries, i have to rest. theres no getting around that. ill worry about happiness later when im actually able to exist.