agh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tired of it!

ive been having near daily panic attacks ever since the latest vtuber drama im in, or was in, everyone else is over it. no one care lmao, and fair! i wish i was them.

i dont even know what i want or how to get it really. i dont want the parties against me to get backlash, its not that serious. it never was. like i really dont wish them to lose friends or subs or anything over it all.

and i dont want there forgiveness. its a friend group of people built apon lifting up there leader no matter what. i think its weird/creepy lol. i dont like these people and i dont want to be around them/make amends thats for sure.

just fuck its been nearly a month and still, daily panic attacks, id like them to stop! (the panic attacks). everytime i stop by a new (to me) streamers chat i have to double check if they're in *that* friend group to see if im actually welcome or not.

its all annoying, just keeps repeating in my head. over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over... i wanna be able to go a day without it repeating!!!!!!! fucking hate it.

so, please. let me scream into the void. get it out of this brain hopefully. once again please dont change how you interact with these streamers. my goal isnt to hurt them or cause them pain. in a perfect world they'd never even notice this diary was posted.

my intention is just.. get it out of my brain.

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context: i did a stream where i went on a pet peeve ramble that Cherry (another streamer) was annoying to schedule with. this ramble went on longer then it should of. but i figured Whatever, we're rivals in a upcoming sports competition. its fine if the audience knows two rivals arent fond of one another. its not a big deal.

cherry was extremely unhappy with this. sent a 30 min long rant on discord about how much of a terrible person i am, how fucking dare i send people to attack her (never happened) and how im gonna get the short end of the stick, ect ect. (rant was posted in the competition discord im banned from so oops, no screenshots sadly. wish i had one)

before i get too ahead of myself. i want to just say the numbers. in the month since this drama. cherry got fan art from it. 53 new followers (11 more then the previous month) and 41 average viewers (12 more then the previous month). i cant stress enough how my intent was never to send people to attack cherry. and how literally no one actually attacked cherry. i said scheduling is annoying. no viewer is going to attack someone because... scheduling is annoying. (if i say it enough will it click how minor of a accusation being a mess at scheduling is?... this drama should of been a dm)

anyways back to the timeline. so cherry sends the 30 min rant. and *thats the last time im contacted about this ever again,, from anyone!* im banned from the scheduling discord (no contact, just ban). blocked by everyone involved. and my name is removed from the golf competition. (once again no contact from anyone about this.)

so before i fall asleep, i start rewatching my stream, yknow, just see what i actually said, reflect on it, see how it comes across from cherrys perspective. and i figure huh, while im rewatching it let me make a alt version of the stream thats just the parts talking about cherry, just in case anyone else wants to see what was said, without having to watch hours and hours of basic streamer gameplay. i feel it should be possible for people to see first hand what was said. rather then it being thrown through the game of telephone.

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so i wake up, and im scrolling bluesky, im on my alt account doing alt account things (stfu) and i see a google doc call out post from adam (the event organizer) all about me! (keep in mind im blocked on my main account,, insane behavor imo to post a google doc about a situation to the public and not just... dm me for clarification on things)

anyways lets go through the google doc.

from the doc "because this is my event and it involves Cherry, who is a friend of mine, being attacked for no good reason I am going to be making a statement about it with the approval of Cherry so that it is on record that I am calling out everything said about Cherry by the offending party to be utterly false."

keep in mind my claim is that i found cherry annoying to schedule with? thats a opinion? anyways heres a screenshot of me asking adam what we're gonna do if the other team no shows... to that they instantly single out cherry as the problem person lmfao.

so in private during scheduling you know cherry's the problem, but as soon as cherry's hurt by someone saying shes the problem. you completely change your tune to everything cherry has done is perfect. Weird!!!

from the doc "I will be using Cherry's name here but I will not name the other party... if you are unaware of the incident or who the other party is you may DM me here or on Discord."

Weird!!! use my name in public or not at all!! this whole act of not using my name in the doc is purely there to make yourself look like your above the drama! when all your doing is moving your shit talking to DMs!!

from the doc "a participant in the NTM event had gone on a rant against Cherry while live on twitch. I was informed that this went on for about three hours"

if you did literally any research.. such as.. looking at the thumbnail of the stream?!?!? not even watching it?? but just glancing at its existance??? you'd know its a 4 hour stream.

its genuinely terrifying to me to know there are people out there who will put out a whole ass google doc about a situation. and end up doing literally zero research into it.. and people believe the doc! Wild! (also that edited version of the stream that cuts out all the chill gameplay is one hour long.. no idea how they got 3 hours out of this)

from the doc "Cherry during the scheduling process was being very accommodating for their schedule"

anyways heres another screenshot of another person having major issues scheduling with cherry. (id show messages from the actual scheduling discord but oops im banned lmaoo no screenshots for meee)

from the doc "Cherry was met with a disturbing degree of passive aggressiveness and eventually the person would send a DM to Cherry about setting up a time. After seeing the DM ten minutes later, Cherry learned about the stream and what was being said about her."

here is the only DM ive sent cherry. if saying "meow meow meow meow meow, meow, meow! meowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww" is a disturbing degree of passive aggressive then i guess im disturbing lmfao.

also genuinely no fucking idea what time line the doc is trying to say. if i interpret it has cherry saw the dm 10 mins after it was sent... no??? it took 5 and a half hours.

then if im to interpret it as Cherry saw the DM and 10 mins later saw me going on a pet peeve ramble on stream. also no???

i went live a hour later?? there is genuinely no way to interpret this line where it isnt blatantly lying to the audience. (much like all of this doc imo)

from the doc: "I was informed the offending person was also making false accusations about Cherry and what the situation was like, involving both trying to get the game set up for the event and the intent of the event itself."

genuninely? no idea what they mean by "false accusations about... the intent of the event itself" its

1. about how ive said me and cherry were rivals in the event.. maybe i should of said best friends??? maybe the idea of there being rivals in the sports event isnt the intent? and thats the problem? i dont think i lied though? you can make the argument that i misunderstood the intent of the event. and id agree! i didnt realize how kind i was expected to be towards rival teams. but i dont think its a false accusation for me to say how i viewed the event.

or 2. on stream i go on a ramble about how all the money from my golf matches goes towards trans lifeline. as my golf matches were planned to be streamed on gurts channel... who donates all channel money to trans lifeline. and i say to be clear. the golf event as a whole doesnt donate all money to trans lifeline. only the matches on gurts channel. then i clarify again that i dont think the golf event is transphobic lol.

number two is the only time i talk about the event as a whole on the stream. and idk?? no lies there?? whatcha want me to say??

from the doc "Later on I was informed that the offending party was going to edit their stream down into a 45 minute video 'to get their story out' and that pushed me into a state of livid. That is utterly cruel to do in general, and doing it to someone who had not interacted with them prior to this event and is full of lies is a deep level of fucked up."

i never said it was to "get my story out" ???? i had two reasons for making the stream edit. 1. i wanted to rewatch the whole stream to see how it looked from cherrys point of view. and 2. so people could see what happened first hand.

its *extremely* weird behavior to become livid over... people watching a stream again? and is it cruel?? to spread the word that... *scheduling with cherry was annoying* let me say that again. one more time. my utterly cruel, deep level of fucked up thing was. *saying cherry was annoying to schedule with*

however to be honest! i dont think the doc actually knows whats in the stream edit! as the stream edit is... 67 minutes :3 not 45. once again this is information they would know if they just *looked* at the stream edit, not even watch. just *look* but noooooo they continue to lie about every single thing?? even the really really easy to verify stuff. Weird!!!

the doc goes on a whole rant about it and cherry has as well on bsky about how im just a complete creepy stranger to cherry? and to some extent i agree im a stranger. (and being creepy is just opinion) you dont *know* a streamer just because you watch them. however idk!!! evidence shows cherry spent *43 hours* watching my streams before the drama happened (i banned cherry when the drama happened,, aka cant watch anymore) and idk! i feel this whole idea that cherry had never heard of me until i "attacked" her is yknow, bullshit lol.

from the doc "I was also made aware that an accusation was made against me that I purposely delayed the tournament by a week just for Cherry which is extremely false"

UGHHHHHhhhhhhggggggg i wish they just dmed/reached out to me or that i could of reached out to them (blocked) but here we are. so. i want you to go back to my DM to cherry. she saw it on the 19th. final scheduling took place right after that, on the 19th.

teams scheduling there matches. started on the 14th. thats 6 days. on stream i complained about scheduling took "a week" and how cherry dragged us along for "a week". this is in reference to my team & cherry's teams golf match. not the whole tournament. now. should i of rounded 6 days up into a week? probably not, i agree i probably should of said 6 days. but come on, no where did i say the whole tournament was delayed just for cherry lmao. the golf match was delayed. not the tournament.

ugh this whole drama should of just been a DM. literally any lmfao. but noooo they instantly go to "As of writing this I have blocked the offending person on bsky, discord and twitch" what a good conflict resolution plan.

from the doc "If it does make it to them, seek some help."

lol. these people will literally go behind the scenes to shun you from your community. lie about you with no regard. and post those lies to everyone behind your back. yet still pretend to understand "help" to make themselves look better. fuck off.

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anyways. the google doc is done, yay.

so time for more diary bullshit of my feelings on everything.

Adam! (the one who made the doc)

honestly? i kinda just feel bad for them. i think they genuinely believed everything they were told about me. and i dont think there actions are rooted in evil or anything like that. they're set up to take the blame for all of this. its sad. however!!!!

i think when you reach the point of releasing a google doc to try and end all support a person has ever got. you have a responsibility to do at least a little bit of research about said person. like the fact they never even *looked* at the stream or the edited stream the whole doc is about. woah. crazy. crazy crazy situation.

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cherry.

where to start with cherry. shes justified in her anger. while i honestly didnt expect it at all. i really did figure "lol cat vs mouse fight in golf and think one another are kinda annoying lalalala" (im a former catboy for context... miss my ears.. hearing was fun.. anyways.) i think that anger could probably use a better outlet though lmao, i think her anger response being to try and ruin peoples careers and not just like, DMing a person is crazy. and i think her way of doing that being a countless number of lies is childish.

but its the fact no one is fact checking her that scares me. the fact she was able to go on a 30 min rant in discord in front of 30+ other people. then the very next day pretend it never happened. and not one of those 30+ people calls her out on it. that scares me. its terrifing to know there is a streamer out there who *can and will* destroy people by any means necessary. and not only gets away with it. but gets *more support for it*.

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little side ramble i didnt know where to put in. cherry went on a whole ramble on bsky about how im such a creepy creepy man! ew! creepy man ew! and idk. that hits different as a gay man? these words have meaning? it feeds into a stigma thats for sure. especially because there was no reason given other then just, my existence lol... in her defense shes very pro trans rights pro lesbian ect, maybe we found the mouse who just hates gay men? i say that jokingly to be clear. but idk! not sure how to feel about it, other then lets not look at gay people and say creepy man ew! to a audience of thousands????

lastly, once again. please dont contact or harass any of the people in this drama lol. the only reason im posting this is in hopes it leaves my brain. and my panic attacks stop. so onto the dead website it goes.