hi! sorry for how long its been since ive made a entry, its weird!!!. im putting this weird fucking pressure on myself that this entry has to be as interesting as my last entry, something something content creator brain. always gotta strive to make better "content" and its just like DEPTHS!!!! THIS ISNT FUCKING CONTENT. THIS IS FOR YOU. TYPE YOUR SILENT THOUGHTS OUT LOUD TO FIGURE THEM OUT or something like that idk. its annoying.

unsure what to focus on as well for this weeks entry, brains pretty chill overall, just lots of small unrelated thoughts.

but before i get into all of that i do wanna give a little update in that Wahoo! panic attacks have mostly stopped since the last entry. the response to the last entry has been next to non existent. good. thats what i want lol. like, adam (the one who made a google doc bout me full of lies to try and protect a bigger streamer) put out another google doc, doesnt mention the drama at all though and is basically just multiple pages of him going "jee wiz i hope no one thinks im a social climber!" found that interesting lol. but yeah, shits been chill. its nice!.

next thing i wanna talk about! depthsofescapism@gmail.com its my emaillll i forgot to put it in my intro! feel free to contact me if you want (be normal tho, dont use it to like, make a friend or some shit like that. in previous years of this diary some people have used my email as a way to check up on me when i inevitably burn out and stop updating this website. i like that! like knowing people still think about me years after im gone from neocities. something something its nice to be remembered lol.

Thoughts on twitch/streaming in general right now, idk, its all weird!!! ive been taking a lot of days off lately, probably going down to 4 stream a week in general. just taking more time to be away from it all, be alone ngl. figure out myself i guess.

its strange, honestly? i dont really miss streaming when i take my days off. and ive been feeling pretty burned out after streaming lately. a part of me is just like huh do i just go on a actual hiatus at this point?

right after the drama i kept streaming idk, out of spite i guess lol. something something i wont let these people who are actively trying to destroy me "win" and take away a hobby i enjoy.

but now that like the drama is done, ive said my piece, ive made peace in my heart or whatever. there is no longer that spite driving me. im just left with a fractured community and having to rebuild. cant say its the most fun thing lol.

ill probably keep streaming, mostly in hopes that things regrow and twitch becomes a fun place again, but wawawawawawawawa. its mid rn.

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alright fine!!!!! the part ive been stalling about!!!!!!! >-> ive found myself in a situationship wawawawawawawawawawawawawawa everything he says is perfect... he treats me so well.. he spends so much time with me,, i can even ramble about my silly rollercoaster hobby shit and hes happy to listen aaaaaa... in so many ways hes perfect,,, but agh!!!!!!!!!! im just not ready for a "real" relationship. im not interested in moving away from family, i find it really really hard to trust him taking care of me (even tho hes been perfect so far, personal issue) and idk. its weird. i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. he likes me. a lot, factually i know its true. he really likes me. but in my heart agh. i find it hard to really feel liked. i keep waiting for him to snap at me i guess. ive known him for idk, months, maybe a year? he never has. hes always treated me perfectly. but yet here i am waiting for him to snap. for him to scream at me about how much he does for me and how i do nothing. i keep waiting for the "proof" love is conditional. a exchange.

its been long enough though. i know hes genuine. but ugh. i keep my walls up. hate it. im sorry.

everytime i fall in love i just feel so fucking mentally ill. when im alone i feel like i have it under control. i feel normal enough. i feel fine. then ugh, i find myself with another man and all the issues with myself start again.

like fuck were my parents really that bad? to the point i dont know how to react to unconditional love? to the point mr man can show me nothing but everything i want for months on end and i cant accept any of it?

and i know the answer! yeah, my parents really were that bad, hate it. i hate knowing im still effected by fucking childhood trauma. i hate that i struggle so much to feel loved. i hate that i cant show my love to him. i hate all of it. im just not ready for a relationship. i know this. ive known this.

i just wanna break down and apologize to him so much. im not the man i should be, or want to be. im a pathetic meow meow, too weak to bring down my walls. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. he deserves better then my emotionally unavailable ass.

and yet. hes still here. i keep him around. i feel so guilty. how dare i show interest in him and lead him on when i know im not ready. im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry.

we've had conversations about it. he knows im not ready for the next step. and might never be. yet he still likes me. he always has. hes always been supportive. ugh i cant push him away i like him too much. im sorry im sorry im sorry.

maybe its okay. he knows where im at. hes happy in this situation. im always happy around him. we're both happy. its fine. im over thinking things. i know that. the entirety of my stress around him is self inflicted. i know this.

i cant stress enough how nice he is to me, expects nothing from me. hes not the problem. i am. hate it.

its funny. im so happy around him. i wonder if he even realizes im a mentally ill freak when it comes to relationships lol...

meow