21 year old depths and the year of mistakes. lol

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so, context, 20 years old, was dating a fellow twitch streamer who was really trying to make it big, his channel never really went anywhere major though, me being a fellow twitch streamer would give him advice on how to grow. he never listened to it. he figured i had no idea what i was talking about. at some point we broke up. and i figured *out of spite* let me follow my own advice on how to grow, prove it works.

(context. i had been streaming for years but no interest in growing as ngl i found and still find the majority of people kinda annoying)

so grow i did, i nearly tripled my average viewership in a few months. mostly through networking. and thats where my first set of major mistakes happened.

I found the collabs to feel extremely one sided, parasocial, id reach out to other channels i liked & watched for collabs. point is i already knew to some extent what there personality was, and what there kind of content was. they didnt know me. and 90% of the time made zero effort to watch a single stream of mine in the weeks before our scheduled collab.

I think this dynamic lead to a high number of other streamers being unprepaired for the collabs. im a streamer to entertain, do a bit, tell a joke, im a very vocal leftist, i was/current am a lewd catboy, im divisive.

i think if the people i collabed with looked into me as a person before hand, i dont think they would of agreed to collab.

and I do put a fair bit of the blame onto the other streamers. i think there is a expectation that as a streamer you should look into the people your platforming before you platform them.

however. this problem happened multiple times near weekly. and i think i should of stopped all collabs much sooner then i did once this cycle became apparent.

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next issue with collabs.

i assumed, working with bigger streamers that they'd, idk. learn how to deal with people? i figured if your talking to a mass of people near daily you'd learn how to put your foot down when there is something you disagree with.

this assumption. extremely wrong! the majority of streamers i worked with id say are people pleasers to the highest extent. this creates a very strong power dynamic. one that shouldnt of ever been there.

when you work with people who are highly uncomfortable with disagreeing. you end up working with people who pretend to be cool with things when they arent.

they bottle up there true feelings. and by the time it explodes what was once a minor issue that could of been solved with a discord DM becomes a massive fight and you have a life long enemy.

these are not healthy relations. this was never a safe space to exist in. these people (twitch streamers) are for the most part. people desperate for humans to approve of them. and being so desperate for approval turns you into someone you arent.

I should of noticed the signs sooner of these power dynamics. and should of stopped all contact with these people sooner.

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The Community.

its funny i rant about people pleasing, cuz honestly looking back? i feel that the majority of issues in my community when i was 21 stem from people pleasing.

one of the many community fights was about AI art/usage. i should of taken a stronger stand. 3 of my long term regulars who had watched my streams daily for *years* got really into AI art shit. i took a minor stand against it. saying stuff like its not for me. and bringing up the ethical problems with it. but never a *strong* opinion.

I was scared to lose my community. thats all it was. i had one of the long term regulars send me my own voice, singing songs in languages i couldnt speak. it creeped me out. i felt violated... i left them on read. i didnt say anything. they got the point though and a few months later they blew up at me, how much they hated me, how they hated that i wasnt the nice person i used to be. i wasnt even mean to them. i left them on read. and even that was enough for me to be sent endless attacks in my DMs.

violated and attacked. thats how i felt about my community when i was 21.

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another case with another viewer. they sent me a DM. a selfie. they later deleted it and apologized for "how ugly" they were. i was creeped out. but they were a fellow streamer that everyone else loved. so i stayed silent. didnt wanna make things more awkward. i should of said something. idk what though. if im silent to them trying to fuck me im the bad guy. if i reject them im the bad guy. i cant win. so i guess i should of said something, if only for my sake.

a few weeks later they kept sending me fan art of me getting fucked. i felt so uncomfortable. but hey, i was a lewdtuber. of course they'd wanna fuck me. and all fanart is good right? how heartless do you have to be to hate getting free fan art? so i said nothing.

but it felt so violating. to be playing like. mario on the NES. rambling about politics probably. and to know someone was on the other side of that stream dreaming of all the ways they could fuck you.

but hey, i talk about gay sex. i say nya nya, maybe i deserve it.

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there was a time i was streaming. doing the outro just talking part of stream. had like 30 people watching. i asked what people were doing. how the day was, tell me! tell me! whats up! ect. no one responded. happens. then i made a sex joke, a little beg for headpats. instantly like 10 people responded. then once again asked about peoples days. no response.

i think that was the straw that broke the camels back.

no one was there to listen to me talk. no one wanted a conversation. no one viewed me as human anymore. i let too much shit slide. half my audience creeped me out and the other half was silent. it wasnt fun anymore.

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i changed.

the bottle had burst. i felt inhuman. i felt violated. and i felt attacked. and i felt the need to tear down my community as much as possible so i could rebuild.

if its not clear. this becomes a story of Hurt people Hurt people. im sorry. i truly fucked up. im sorry.

everyone in the community got lumped into one. people who had been nothing but nice to me were subject to the same finger on trigger moderation style as the people who violated me. i had no patience left for anyones bullshit. i was angry at the community. extremely. the community as a whole should of never felt that anger. things should of been handled as they happened. not as punishment for past crimes. im sorry.

i look back at this time in my life and i ask myself. Why'd I keep streaming? i hated it. no one was happy. why'd i keep going?

i guess spite. after a few months though i did end up taking a hiatus. it really should of happened sooner. im sorry.

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during this hiatus i received more hate then i had ever got up to that point.

so much anger. people pissed that i'd dare miss a stream. people felt like they deserved my time.

people pissed i never apologized for being anti AI art.

people pissed i never apologized for banning people who were incredibly creepy in my DMs.

and the whole time i just. banned more people who were pissed at me. i couldnt help but think. imagine i was in a car wreck. in the hospital. and i missed a week of streams. my welcome back online would of been filled with people *pissed* at me for not streaming. on the one hand im sorry it ended up like this. these people should of been dealt with at the root. im sorry. im sorry the way the community was handled was so messy. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry.

on the other hand. luckily. this hiatus pissed off the final of the creeps. and from a community stand point. things have been good ever since.

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i dont have much else to say about that. said it all in that diary entry. something something people who already hate you looking for excuses to hate you more. what can you do.

and uh, wahoo, 22 years old now, been a month, no drama so far, fuck yeah, got my cat ears and nya nya stream back, removed those features during everything until people treated me kinda human again.

and now they do! i get treated like a human,,, and get to be cute! life, kinda alright! (just gotta ignore the circle of people who hate me cuz i didnt fuck them..? lol)